Do you see yourself?

I recently spent some time with my nieces, 1 and 3 years old.  I got to be Cinderella, bathe ponies and take the older one to her very first pedicure.  Little girls’ world -it amazes me.  It is lovely to see, how much they enjoy everything girly, with no reservations whatsoever.  Moreover, it is wonderful to observe how much they enjoy being themselves with no trace of shame or hesitation.  They love being princesses, accept admiration and compliments without objections, fully acknowledging their own worth and beauty.  I hope they never lose this sense of their own loveliness.

I once saw a little girl, one or two years old, completely lose it over her own reflection in the mirror.  She was smiling, giggling and dancing.  When was the last time you saw yourself in the mirror and went: ’Whoa, I’m so beautiful!’?  When did you last accept a compliment and really believed it?  Does it make you uncomfortable when a prospective employer asks you to list your strengths and do you kind of feel like you were being dishonest when you do?  Me too.  Where (and when) does the good go when it comes to self-esteem?

I go to the mirror to see if that nasty zit is still on my forehead or in hopes of seeing flatter, more defined abs after gym.  I want to see if I can escape the hairdresser for another month.  I go to the mirror with a makeup brush in order to cover up my flaws.  I can’t remember a time I looked at myself in order to admire what I’m seeing.  Even the idea sounds like something silly I read in a self-help book!

What about my character and my talents?  I’m hopelessly insecure.  I’m supposed to write my own recommendation letter to a University where I’m applying for Master’s studies.  I keep re-writing, editing and re-editing.  I don’t seem to be able to finish.  I think instead of what I’ve accomplished they’ll be able to find the few typos in my text and the shortcomings of my previous accomplishments.  It’s horror sometimes, putting yourself on the line, whether it’s for a job, study place or a person.  I’m a little bit embarrassed to admit just how many people I’ve let mistreat me in the belief that I have to prove myself be worthy of their time, before I burned myself out.  Pretending to be something I’m not and desperately trying to hide my flaws is taxing.  Yet, I ended up marrying someone who saw me at my worst and still wanted me.  Go figure.

I can be painfully realistic about my shortcomings but why am I so slow to really own my strengths -realistically.  Do I really see myself?  All of me, not just the bad, ugly and insufficient?  Do you see yourself the way you should?

I would like to do an exercise where I have to stand in front of a mirror until I’ve come up with 10 positive traits every day for a week.  I bet I could begin to see myself differently.  Of course I won’t do this because it’s self-help nonsense.